My mom passed away when I was five years old. We lived on a farm in a small town without any family nearby. After her passing, my aunt wanted to take me and raise me, but my dad would not permit it. She and my uncle lived in another country, so I was not able to see them regularly. So, he raised me by himself. I received little instruction about anything growing up. We attended church regularly and the main thing that was always emphasized was to read your Bible and go to church regularly, which we did. I had good friends in church as well as in the community in which we lived, but I missed my aunt tremendously. She came to visit the summer after I completed the third grade. Although her visit was amazing, her leaving was devastating. It was like losing my mom all over again. I also learned from my dad that my aunt and uncle did not attend the church of our denomination. I was also taught that our specific denomination was superior to other church denominations.
When I was in 8th grade, at the age of 13, my dad passed away. It was difficult growing up without my mother, but after my dad’s passing, things got exponentially worse. I knew that my dad had a will. He explained to me that if anything happened to him, that I would go and live with my aunt. He also explained that he had to put the pastor of the church we attended in the will to take care of the paperwork and legal issues, etc. So, when he passed away, my aunt came right away with a plane ticket to take me back with her. This is when the pastor got involved to stop me from going back with her. She stayed for a week and during that time, he would come and pick me up and said that I had to come with him to sign papers. During those times, he would convince me that I should stay and not go with my aunt. He told me about a family in the church that had a basement apartment where I could stay. He built all of this up and persuaded me to stay. My aunt was very upset and went home without me. What I did not know at the time was that she and my uncle went to a lawyer, but they said there was nothing they could do because I was old enough to decide where I wanted to live. The pastor took me to his home and gave me a legal pad to write letters to my aunt. He told me what to say in the letters and explained that I needed to be with a man (meaning him, I guess), which made no sense because I would be with both my aunt and uncle.
It was just the pastor and his wife in their home. His wife was nice, but distant. On the weekends she went to visit her relatives, so I rotated to different families’ homes each weekend. His house was big and dark, and I was very scared living there – especially at night. One night when I was scared, I went to their bedroom door and told the pastor I was scared. He told me to come and get in bed with them. I had to go to the side his wife was on and lay down in the bed. This living arrangement continued for about two and a half months until in the spring when I went to live with the family who had the basement apartment the pastor had told me about.
I already knew this family from church. The man and wife were the youth leaders in the church. This woman (whom I will refer to ongoing as Mrs. E) had targeted me before my dad passed away. I was in the junior high Sunday School class and was not old enough to be in her youth group. My teacher was wonderful and would let us take turns teaching in the class. She told the woman who was the youth leader that we were teaching and instead of being proud of us, she used it against me. She told my teacher that she bet if I was asked to teach in her class, that I wouldn’t do it. Then she set out to prove herself correct. She had her husband call me at home one week and ask me to teach her class. I declined and made up some reason. Totally illogical – why would I, a young girl in junior high, want to teach high school students who were older than me! She found a way to put me down and that is exactly what she did for the next almost 30 years of my life. She also did the same with my dad. I have no idea why, but she did not like either of us. She wanted him to be involved in taking the kids in the church to summer camp and he declined. Then she said that she didn’t think he would agree to do it.
At the time my dad passed away, there were a lot of women in the church who came to stay with me, as my aunt had not arrived. Mrs. E stopped by the house and had a big smile on her face and said, “We would love to have you!” This seemed so odd to me as I had already had these negative experiences with her in the church. Now I know that really what she meant was, “We would love to have you, so I can destroy your self-esteem even further!” Mrs E came to my house again later and started observing me and commented about my washing dishes in cold water instead of hot water. This was how it started and how it continued. She was always looking and observing me to find something wrong that I was doing.
My neighbor witnessed what happened in the days after his passing. She saw a lot of the church members come into the house and take my things, furniture, etc. They gave away my dog to a family in the church. The pastor asked me what I wanted to keep. I told him I wanted to keep my dad’s chair, the bookcase, and my piano. He took those items to his house as I was going to be living at first with him. When I left his home to live with Mrs. E, he would not return my furniture. When Mrs. E and her family moved to a new home the following year, he let me have my piano back which they put in the basement, but he would not return the other items. I don’t know what happened to the rest of the furniture in my house and items. I don’t know if the church members bought it or if he gave it away.
So, on the weekends when I was rotating houses, Mrs. E’s home was one of the houses. She .-switched personalities and became cold and distant. I remember asking her if it was okay to get a sandwich and she said yes, but never looked at me – very cold.
Finally, after living with the pastor about two and a half months, I moved in with Mrs. E and her family. This is when her destruction of my self-esteem began in earnest. She set about to separate me from my friends and family and constantly criticize, control, and manipulate me. She was able to successfully do this because her angry outbursts instilled fear in me from the start. I was very afraid of her, but she isolated me so I had no defense. She made herself look good to everyone because she had taken me in when I had no family. What people did not realize is that my family was fighting to get me.